The Fantasy of Compatibility
We grow up surrounded by the idea that love should be easy, & that the “right” partner will feel natural, effortless, complete. But real love is rarely like that. Compatibility often isn’t discovered; it’s developed. Usually through misunderstanding, frustration, and the slow process of learning who the other person is.
In couples therapy, many people come to see that what first attracted them to their partner often contains the seed of their later conflicts. The very traits that seemed magnetic early on can, over time, provoke irritation or distance. Psychoanalysis would say this isn’t coincidence – it’s repetition.
We’re drawn, unconsciously, toward familiar patterns of love, care, and even frustration.
The fantasy of compatibility protects us from difference. From the strangeness of another person’s inner world (& our own). But love always involves some degree of strangeness. To love another is to accept that part of them will never fully fit our idea of them.
Therapy helps couples move beyond the fantasy of perfect fit. Towards something more real, more human. A kind of compatibility that’s not about sameness, but about the capacity to stay in dialogue despite what’s different.
More on Couples Counselling Book an AppointmentRecommended Reading:
- Éric Laurent: “The Uses of Fantasy”
- Jacques-Alain Miller: “The Partner-Symptom”
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